Sandwiched but Strong - sort of

Last night I had a dream. I was all alone in the house, fixing myself dinner and picking up after the kids. No big deal, just relaxing and enjoying an evening alone.

All of a sudden, a mass of bad guys began breaking in – coming in through windows and doors, on both floors, all at the same time. The bad guys were breaking apart handrails and furniture, pulling out any metal pieces (thanks, media folks, for those story on druggies stealing metals for drug money…).

I’m tackling the bad guys right and left and then – the phone rings.

I stop what I’m doing, pick up the phone, and it’s my mom.

“Hi mom,” I say.

“Hi.” She replies. “I just wanted to talk with you about some things,” she says with a quiver in her voice.

“I’ll call you back a little later, Mom, OK?” I say, and hang up the phone to go back to fighting the bad guys.

About then I woke up and thought, “Wow, if that doesn’t exactly express how the person stuck in that ‘sandwich generation’ feels!”

It’s not like the visual of nice comfort food between two yummy slices of bread.

It’s more like beating off the “bad guys” (work, kid worries, money – you probably have your own list) on the one hand, and pausing – just for a second – to be there for the parent, knowing that you’ve got to get back to those pressing issues – NOW – but your parent still needs you…and so it goes.

My favorite part of the dream was the fact that I, single-handedly, fought off all the bad guys.

It was probably because of the one little thing I forgot to mention – the red “Supermom” cape I happened to be wearing that evening.

Know where I can order one in real life?

Mother, daughter, grandmother, granddaughter - trying to do it all

In Dr. Mike Magee's presentation at the recent Center for Aging Services Technology (CAST) conference (of which Eric Dishman, a Principle Research Scientist at Intel, is Chairman) he talks about the coming aging of America as a challenge not just of people living longer, but of the family expanding from 3 generations to 5 or 6. The 3rd generation woman is rapidly becoming the “new” sandwich person – stuck between caregiving issues with her mother AND grandmother; her child AND grandchild.

Wendy, a program manager in our office, is a classic “new” sandwich member. She helps her mother provide care to her grandmother, who fell and broke her hip about 6 months ago and refuses to go into a supportive living community even though she requires around the clock care. Wendy’s mom has quit her own job to help care for grandma; hired caregivers round out the day.

Meanwhile, Wendy has 2 children, one of whom is married with a 3 year old son and another child on the way.

To say that Wendy is busy with family support issues is an understatement. Wendy says her two biggest issues being in the super-squished position are TIME and EMOTIONAL/PHYSICAL ENERGY. Here’s what Wendy has to say about her life today:

Your kids move-out (more or less); you are among the 40+ crowd and life looks GOOD!

Having gotten married at a young age and immediately starting a family this is the first time you don't have the major responsibility of someone else's life. You are cruising along, you take a new job you are excited to be able to - for the first time - throw yourself into a job/career without feeling guilty because you should be home when the kids get home from school or you sneak out of work to make that all-important game. It is essentially a new start, a new beginning and it looks exciting.

Hold it!

I receive a phone call from the "help I've fallen and can't get up" company that monitors my grandmother so she can remain at home independently.

Yup, she's fallen and broken a hip. The cycle begins for full-time in-home care. Because she can afford it, it makes perfect sense to her.

However she lacks the ability to understand the management of such a task. My mom, her daughter (who has never in her life worked a full time job or has ever been in a job where her responsibilities were managing people, medical care, and finances) is now faced with all of them.

Since I have experience in all, she calls me.

If only it were that easy.

Mom has two siblings. I can make suggestions and recommendations based on my experience and my mother understands, agrees and respects my knowledge.

Her siblings cannot get past the fact that I am no longer the snot-nosed little kid who wanted to play in the dirt with boys rather than play Barbie's with the other female cousins.

In their eyes I think I will remain 10 years old forever. I know nothing, and the battle begins.

Now we work at how creative my mother and I can become in her suggestions (which are really mine) and convince the other decision-makers of the right choices.

Then there are the calls: “The caregiver didn't show up - can you help take care of grandma?”

I want to help grandma. I want to help my mom. Sure I can help.

Hold it!

My son, who is a young father, has just gotten a new job. A really good job. They offer over-time on Saturdays!

"Sure would be a great way to get ahead, Mom," he tells me.

His wife already works Saturdays in trade for Mondays off to be able to spend more time with their 2 year-old son.

Here it comes....”Can you baby-sit?”

I want to; I love spending time with my grandson - I want to help my kids "get ahead." Sure I can help.

Hold it!

My daughter calls from college.

"Mom, I'd like to move home for 4 months and go to school near home until next fall. Can you help?"

She is the most independent young woman I know. She doesn't ask for help often. I want to help my daughter; she deserves my help as she has likely been put on the back burner for the last few months. Sure I can help.

Hold it!
Attempt to maintain a marriage through this? Have friends? Throw myself into my job? Nice idea.

I often feel as though there is not even close to enough of me to go around. My mom stops by to have me help complete some paperwork from the physician’s office. We walk into the kitchen where the light is better.

I look up at her – “Wow, Mom, when did you get old? You look really tired,” I think to myself.

It’s 9:15 p.m. and she is just on her way home after a full day of caring for grandma. I immediately think to myself, “I need to help more.”

On Saturday afternoon my son and his wife stop by to pick up their son. My daughter-in-law is 7 months pregnant. I look at them and think to myself, “They are amazing kids; they're doing so well.”

I look into their eyes, both of them, and wonder, “When did you grow up? You look really tired.”

I need to help more.

This is a glimpse of the sandwich generation. I could go on and on but there’s just not enough time...

Stuck in the middle again

Sue posted a question on the link above asking for advice balance the competing demands of her child and her aging parents. Sue - we're with you! You, me and millions of Americans are in this exact position. Anything we can do to support each other is a value. Here's what I suggested to Sue:

Welcome the the "sandwich generation" - that growing group of us caught in the middle between parenting responsibilities and our aging parents. While I've been in this field professionally for the past 20 years, I've just now hit it personally, trying to balance the needs of my 15 year old daughter and my aging parents. What a challenge! Some of the things that have helped me are:

1) Give yourself permission to skip a day visiting the parents and spend that day either doing what you want to do, or with your child. You won't get back the parenting days you miss; your parents will probably manage (somehow!) without you.

2) GET HELP! It's hard to ask sibs to help (I'm finally not asking anything more from my sister who has "advice" but no "time"...you probably know what I mean). There are tons of community resources, however - find them and pay for them. You'll be surprised how far a paid caregiver can get in helping your parent - without all the baggage of family and history, they walk into the situation ready to help - and can do it. Your parents probably have resources - use them. This is what they worked and saved for. If you're busy doing tasks every time you visit, you're missing the opportunity to offer a relationship. Pay someone else to do the tasks; when you visit, sit down and VISIT!

3) Consider an assisted living community or retirement community with support. You'd be amazed at how nice many of them are. My mother finally moved into a cottage in a retirement community and she told me the other night that she's never been happier. She loves the companionship, the outings and trips, the opportunity to share meals with friends every day. She said she feels cared about and valued by her new friends - and what a gift to receive at age 80!

Hope these ideas help you. Good luck - remember, you're in good company!