Moving Home - the continuing journey

Many of you have been following my family's journey with our two sets of elderly parents. My mom's squared away in a perfect retirement village, happy and traveling with new companions following the loss of my father.

It's my in-laws that have been challenging the family lately. They have been reluctant to give up the home where they have lived for the past 55+ years. However, with their mobility diminishing (neither drive much anymore), loss of friends, neighbors and their social circle, and home repairs and maintenance that are simply too tough for them to handle any longer, the time has come for them to make a change.

Fortunately, my sister-in-law determined to make it her mission to convince them to move. She toured retirement communities with them until they located one very close to their home that they really like.

Three weeks ago, we all met at the retirement community for lunch and a tour. Walking through, we all commented on how much they will be gaining by this move - not giving up. They finally agreed, too.

The following weekend they put their home on the market. My mother-in-law threw a fit when the "for sale" sign went up on the lawn (she didn't want a sign), but a few days later a young couple, renting in the neighborhood, walked by and saw the sign. The papers have been signed and, even in this very slow market, the house sold in a matter of days.

Last week the in-laws went to a Hawaiian luau at their new community. They came home happy about the decision they've made, and really looking forward to the move.

Whew! It's been quite a journey for us all. Our one goal: to see the folks more active and more involved with others. In short, to see them happy again. They are both very social people by nature. My mother-in-law had at least 3 social groups she belonged to for more than 60 years - one composed of the other mothers whom she met in the hospital giving birth to my husband! One by one, her group members have died or moved away. My father-in-law loved to golf, go to the beach, and play cards. Over the past few years, their circle has gradually shrunk to their living room, with only each other for companionship.

They, as so many others today, have been blessed with a long life. My father-in-law is 96; my mother-in-law close behind. Living fully, right to the end of life, can mean tough choices and tough decisions.

But in the end, living fully, all the way to the end, is the difference between just existing, and truly gaining the richness and joy that life has to offer.

It's Called Moving Up, NOT Giving Up

Last week we met my in-laws for lunch at a new retirement community in town. This time, they're really interested...they think.

As you may recall, my in-laws (90 and 95 years old) have been fighting the idea of leaving their home, despite becoming more and more bored, lonely, depressed, overwhelmed by home maintenance - all those things that signal the rest of us that it's time to do something different. They would, we all believe (all the kids, that is) love all of the social activities and new friends at a retirement community.

So we've been gently, and not so gently, encouraging this step.

Now the plumbing is going in the house, and it just might be the final straw.

As we were touring the building, I kept telling my mother-in-law, "This is a step UP, not a step down. Think about what you're gaining, not what you're giving up."

She looked around at the beautiful new building, complete with a dining room, maid service, maintenance and names they recognized on the doors of neighboring apartments and sighed, "You're right. If I can just get my brain to think that way - I know you're right, but old ways of thinking are hard to change."

She's right, of course. Old ways of thinking ARE hard to change. We're so programmed in our culture to focus on trying to keep older people in their own homes that sometimes we don't see when it would be a step UP for them to leave their homes.

All I want, as a family member, is to see them actively enjoy whatever years they have left. And they're not likely to do that feeling like their home is an anchor and an isolation chamber.

Wings on the Web

It's a fun experience seeing how far this electronic age reaches. It is truly a new age of information technology, as individuals all over the world can communicate - or listen in - to our electronic conversations.

Yesterday, one of our key staff members picked up the phone at our office, answering with her name, as we always do. The caller said, "Is this THE Wendy Finch?"

Wendy says, "Wow, did I feel like a rock star right at that moment!"

The caller went on to say that she reads Wendy's e-newsletter called Friday Funnies every week (subscribe) and feels like she knows Wendy. Wendy frequently shares stories that end up being the "joke was on me" type of stories, and readers love her.

I had a similar experience a few years ago, walking into a senior living community in northern California. The community representative handed me a packet of information. Included in that packet was an essay, printed on bright pink paper, that I had written some months ago. This community was distributing my essay to every visitor. It was exciting and humbling at the same time.

The essay is one that I think back on often, because I believe so strongly in this concept. I'll reprint it below, but, in essence, the message is this: we need to stop thinking of moving into a care community - or even a senior living community - as a step down. It's not "losing our home" - it's just changing our home address. It can be a positive, meaningful experience for so many people. It would certainly help if our society didn't label it so negatively.

Finally, this week I was invited to participate as a featured blogger for a site called Wellsphere. Once again, the power of the internet is demonstrated, as well as the power of community. As a community of resources, we can join together to make a profound difference in the lives of people all over the world.

It is truly a new age for communication, for support, and for community.

Here's a reprint of my essay titled Changing Home:

A few weeks ago I shared with you our family's story of helping BOTH sets of parents choose to move into a retirement community.

We spent weeks scheduling the first retirement community visit - weeks during which the negotiation went like this, "Mom, Dad, I know YOU aren't ready for a retirement center, but you know how much it would help the other set of parents."

And the reply invariably went like this, "You're right, we're not ready yet, but the other set of parents sure is!"

Finally, we got to the retirement center and spend hours - literally - getting through both sets of parents' anxieties and resistances.

When we left, all four parents were talking about how nice this would be - "4 or 5 years in the future" (that's a 92- year-old speaking)!

Now, two months later, MY parents have their name on two waiting lists, and are actively cleaning out their very formidable collection of stuff; my husband's parents are still talking about the "where" and the "when."

My mother-in-law keeps bringing up this refrain, "I never thought I'd have to give up my home."

And I've been thinking, we've been missing the mark here, both in our conversations with the folks, and in the marketing within our profession.

We're not asking people to "give up their home" - we're simply asking them to change their address.

Because ANYWHERE can be home - whether you own, rent, or stay free.

HOME is that place where you feel comfortable being just "you."

Where, if you're lucky (Mom, Dad, are you listening?) you're surrounded by people who make you laugh, who give you something to talk about, and who share meals, good times and bad times with you - and who are there to help you when you need help.

Because a house is just a house...but a home is absolutely wherever your heart happens to land.

Just a footnote: my parents were in a severe auto accident a little over a year ago, leaving my father dead at the scene. My mother, injured severely and, of course, devastated with her loss, never returned to their home. She went straight from the path from hospital-rehab-assisted living into her new home in the retirement community she and my father had already selected. She absolutely loves it there. The only shadow is a frequent feeling we both have that my dad would have loved living there, too - only he missed the opportunity.

My in-laws are still not budging from their house...stay tuned!

Choices

Here's one advantage to our jumbled system of senior care: we have a lot more choices now. Less than 50 years ago seniors either moved in with family or moved into a nursing home. There were no other options available.

Today, in-home care is readily available in almost every community in the US. Assisted Living has added another level of care to the mix, allowing seniors to live in an independent, residential environment while accessing support services. Granted, the level and type of support varies widely - from state to state and even from building to building - but no longer does a person needing care have to move into a skilled nursing community to receive assistance.

Barbara Quirk, a geriatric nurse practitioner, writes about yet another option that boomers may well choose in the future: shared housing arrangements.

The fact is that it is not a bad idea to consider moving in together with lifelong friends and hire whom you choose for your helpers. This may be a far better option than the traditional assisted living. For starters, you would be with people you know and enjoy, rather than strangers.

My immediate response is, "Yes, but then I'd still have to cook and clean!" I like the idea of someday moving into a senior living community where I simply show up at the dining room when I wish, and leave the day-to-day worries to someone else.

My mom has been living in a cottage in a retirement village now for over 6 months. She was sharing her experience with friends who had come to visit her for the first time - and who were speechless at how friendly everyone there was to them.

"We were just walking down the sidewalk and people would stop to talk. Come to find out, we have friends in common with more than one person living here!"

My mom is happy, has tons of new friends, and says she truly feels like this is now "home" for her.

My friend, on the other hand, receives calls daily from her mom who, recently widowed, is alone and lonely on her countryside home.

“I lied to my mom for the first time yesterday when I told her I was busy and couldn’t go with her on an errand,” she said. “I was simply worn out from daily calls for help – but mostly for companionship.”

Caregiver stress and the medical ramifications are well documented today. This stress affects families who are trying to balance it all, as well as paid caregivers who don’t have access to the training or support that they need to do a demanding, often thankless job.

I like what Barbara Quirk says in her comments about shared housing and other options we have now:

With all of the housing options available today, plus a few that haven't even been thought of, it pays to at least consider what would be acceptable to you.

And, perhaps even more importantly, consider – and discuss - what would be acceptable to your loved ones. Giving that some attention now may take some of the stress off all of us when needs arise in the future.

A little fun for Friday (Swinging Seniors)

Eric Christianson from the Waterford Retirement Community in Vancouver, Washington, sent me his most recent newsletter. Here's my favorite part...and a great way to end the week!

Eric says that these two women are part of their community's walking group who go out every week for a walk - and a swing!

Thanks for sharing this, Eric. Helps me remember the most important fact of all: it's possible to live healthy, joyful lives to the very end of our lives. Swinging with friends who share our interests doesn't hurt, either!

Someone to Watch Over ME!

Call us the Sandwich Generation - Baby Boomers - whatever you want. The truth is, we're tired! We're working to put kids through college (one down, 2 to go); we're helping our folks managing their lives, sometimes on a day to day basis. We still have a mortgage, and that private college tuition increase is putting us over the edge.

Last week as our middle daughter was heading back to college (the $40K+ a year expense item) she talked about how nice it was to be able to just run over to the school cafeteria and pick up some hot, home-made food without having to take the time or effort to cook it herself. Even though she'll be living in an off campus apartment, she'll still take advantage of the cafeteria from time to time.

I laughingly told her I was looking forward to moving into a retirement community myself someday and having someone cook for me, too. I like the idea of someone planning social outings and cleaning my home, too, on a regular basis.

While so much attention in the news focuses on people trying to stay out of retirement or assisted living housing, there is certainly a segment of us boomer population who are anxiously looking forward to the days when we can just run to the dining room and pick up a hot, fresh meal – prepared by someone else.

In our community (Portland, Oregon) a new senior high rise on the city waterfront, the Mirabella, being developed by Pacific Retirement Services is already sold out with a waiting list - and it's not scheduled to open until 2010. Some friends of ours have signed up, and they can’t wait to move in. Other friends are signing their parents up for this opportunity to live in a downtown, waterfront location with all the amenities of luxury retirement living. One sales representative recently told me that they were getting questions they’d never gotten from retirement living prospects before – questions like, “Will there be space to store my kayak?”

As I not-so-laughing said to my daughter, at either ends of your life you get someone to cook for you; in the middle, you’re busting your toosh cooking – and everything else – for yourself and your family!

Stuck in the middle again

Sue posted a question on the link above asking for advice balance the competing demands of her child and her aging parents. Sue - we're with you! You, me and millions of Americans are in this exact position. Anything we can do to support each other is a value. Here's what I suggested to Sue:

Welcome the the "sandwich generation" - that growing group of us caught in the middle between parenting responsibilities and our aging parents. While I've been in this field professionally for the past 20 years, I've just now hit it personally, trying to balance the needs of my 15 year old daughter and my aging parents. What a challenge! Some of the things that have helped me are:

1) Give yourself permission to skip a day visiting the parents and spend that day either doing what you want to do, or with your child. You won't get back the parenting days you miss; your parents will probably manage (somehow!) without you.

2) GET HELP! It's hard to ask sibs to help (I'm finally not asking anything more from my sister who has "advice" but no "time"...you probably know what I mean). There are tons of community resources, however - find them and pay for them. You'll be surprised how far a paid caregiver can get in helping your parent - without all the baggage of family and history, they walk into the situation ready to help - and can do it. Your parents probably have resources - use them. This is what they worked and saved for. If you're busy doing tasks every time you visit, you're missing the opportunity to offer a relationship. Pay someone else to do the tasks; when you visit, sit down and VISIT!

3) Consider an assisted living community or retirement community with support. You'd be amazed at how nice many of them are. My mother finally moved into a cottage in a retirement community and she told me the other night that she's never been happier. She loves the companionship, the outings and trips, the opportunity to share meals with friends every day. She said she feels cared about and valued by her new friends - and what a gift to receive at age 80!

Hope these ideas help you. Good luck - remember, you're in good company!

Technology Promoting Successful Aging is HERE

The impending baby boomer aging bubble, the rising cost of health care and services, the looming staffing shortage and the changes in technology are creating what Eric Dishman, Center for Aging Services Technology (CAST) chairman calls the upcoming “perfect storm.”

CAST, whose mission is “leading the national charge to develop and deploy technologies that can improve the aging experience in America,” held a Technology Day at the recent American Association of Homes and Services for the Aging (AAHSA) conference.

The CAST sessions are posted on their website, and present an exciting insight into the ways senior care communities are using technology to help increase senior independence and quality of life.

And if you think this is something that doesn’t apply to the average nursing home, assisted living center or retirement community, think again. As Dishman so clearly points out, technological advancements are here – they’re not just a thing of the science-fiction future. Those companies and communities that are truly dedicated to their mission of serving seniors will be seeking ways to implement technology now so that they can lead the way to fulfilling their mission in the coming years and weather any upcoming storms of change.

This is an incredible opportunity to catch up for those of us who missed the conference. Check it out - Thanks, CAST!

The Sandwich Generation: Good enough isn’t good enough anymore

For the past 20 years, I have taught about, written about, and thought I understood the Sandwich Generation experience: the adult children, still caring for children of their own, and also caring for aging parents.

Now, however, I do more than understand – I am living the role. Last night, standing in the checkout line at Target with all the essentials needed to set my mom up in her new retirement apartment, I realized that I had done the exact same thing just a few months ago with my eldest daughter, who was moving into her first apartment.

I had the same exact cart contents, too: shower curtain, laundry soap, kitchen essentials, sheets and towels.

As I rushed from unloading my mother’s purchases to pick up my youngest daughter at dance class – 15 minutes late . . . again – I thought, “I am living the Sandwich experience.”

I, and nearly every one of my friends and acquaintances.

Melanie has been sitting at her dying mother’s side for the past two weeks, leaving only to attend her high school daughter’s performances. She’s learned more about hospice, caregiving, and end of life choices in the past two weeks than I have in the past two decades.

Carol, a professional with a thriving private practice, has gradually reduced her work week to three days as her kids have completed college. Last week, Carol started working five days a week again to help cover the costs of two parents in need of high-level assisted living care.

My husband is taking tomorrow off work to accompany his parents to the doctor to learn how his 87 year old mother’s recently diagnosed cancer will be treated, and to support his 93 year old father in handling the news.

Clearly, we’re not alone. Both CBS and NBC are currently airing segments during their evening news broadcast that focus on this exact challenge which is facing millions of Americans today.

Many of our parents need care in assisted living communities, nursing homes and retirement centers. And you can bet your last dollar that every one of us will be picky, annoying, and demanding. We’ve grown up demanding more, and we’re accustomed to getting it.

A promotional announcement for the upcoming Assisted Living Federation of America conference featured a Disney University past executive speaking on the topic of “Learning from Disney, Where It's Not About Satisfaction.”

While Disney seeks loyalty by offering the best vacation experience imaginable, we in senior care have felt smugly successful if our clients are merely “satisfied”.

As my generation of self-centered Baby Boomers enters the long term care system – as advocates for our parents or as consumers ourselves – beware: We’ll be looking for an experience that far surpasses simply “satisfactory.”

Yesterday I interviewed a young woman for an office position. She told me of an earlier job she’d had in a care setting where she had been excited to help, but left after just three months.

“I was thrown right into the work with no training at all – just another employee to get me started,” she said. “I would have loved the job, but I couldn’t do it without training.”

No wonder our turnover rate is so high – over 70% annually, according to the most recent survey by the American Health Care Association (AHCA), as reported by the National Clearinghouse on the Direct Care Workforce.

This one thing I know: As a profession of senior care providers, we are not going to be ready to meet the high demands of my generation if we don’t aim higher.

Higher in our training of frontline staff.

Higher in our own expectations of happy customers.

Because for me – and for millions like me – it is no longer just a job; it’s personal.


Links:
ALFA: http://www.ALFA.org

ALFA Conference (May 15-17 in Dallas, TX): http://www.alfaconferenceandexpo.com/whoattend.shtml

Fred Lee, author of If Disney Ran Your Hospital (Amazon link) http://www.amazon.com/Disney-Ran-Your-Hospital-Differently/dp/0974386014/sr=1-1/qid=1172180888/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-7876113-5071805?ie=UTF8&s=books
AHCA: http://ahca.org/

Direct Care Turnover Statistics: http://www.directcareclearinghouse.org/s_state_det.jsp?action=view&res_id=52