Crossroads in History, not Just in Caregiving

I titled this blog "Caregiving at the Crossroads" because I believe passionately that the choices we make and the actions we take TODAY will have long term effects on caregiving in our families, our communities and within our nation.

But we face more than just a crossroads in caregiving; we face a crossroads in our country on a much bigger scale today.

When I was a new social work grad there was a theme among social workers, designed to get people to understand what social workers are really about (this, in an age where my mom freaked out about my going to social work school, thinking all social workers were bra-less, Birkenstock-wearing liberal "nut-jobs" - oh wait, people still think that today...):

"Wherever you go, whatever you do, say you're a social worker."

I've proudly worn my social work creds throughout my work as a business developer, manager, consultant and entrepreneur. It's important to who I am, and to what I value, no matter what I'm doing professionally.

And at a time when I see caregiving - and many, many other issues - at a crossroads in our country, it's time to stand up and say what I believe. It's not a time to be politically correct, or overly sensitive to our differing opinions.

That doesn't mean I don't believe in agreeing to disagree, or discussing things civilly. It does mean, though, that I can't stay silent on topics that mean so very much to me. Topics like:

Health care. It's embarrassing to live in a country where basic health care is not affordable even to many hard-working wage-earning individuals. I truly believe that we not only CAN figure out a solution to universal health care, but that we MUST come up with a solution. We're not getting any younger, you know - we baby-boomers will tax this system beyond its ability to bear if we don't come up with a solution. If other developed countries in the world can do this, certainly WE can do it.

Women's Issues. I'm a professional woman with three daughters. I know something of what it takes to run a business, work long, hard hours, and raise daughters who make responsible choices. I believe that some of the most important work we do as women is in the raising of our children; children who choose to make a difference in the world, who make responsible choices in every aspect of their lives, and who we trust to make the tough choices personally as they grow and develop. As a mom, I have always parented from the perspective of teaching my children the right way to live, and doing my best to model that in my own life. And then giving them the freedom to make their own choices, knowing that I've given them tools to make good choices. (The proof is always in the pudding, as my mom would say!)

For my country, all I ask is that legislators respect me and my fellow women enough to let us make our own choices about some of the most personal - and life-changing - events in our lives. Legislating this choice says that we don't respect our fellow women enough to let them make choices for their own lives - and I profoundly disagree with that.

Money. Ah, the hard part. Many people in the suburb where I live plan to vote from their pocketbook alone. I admit, higher taxes will pinch, if it affects me personally. At the same time, I'm so proud to live in a community that is safe to walk in, day and night, that provides a public education to rival most private schools, and that has good roads, parks and libraries. I'm willing to pay my fair share to ensure that we continue to have these assets. And I'm also willing to contribute to the work of caring for those who don't have the advantages I have. I remember the words from that good book, "To whom much has been given, much is expected." I know that my family has been richly blessed. I believe it is my responsibility to share these blessings, and so I will pay my taxes and work hard to make sure that the money is well spent.

Today I wear heals and a suit most days (and a bra, mom), but I'm still a social worker. I'm still committed to making a difference in my own small world, and maybe, if I'm lucky, in the larger scheme of things as well.

In the weeks ahead we all have a choice to make. Consider carefully your values when you make that choice. We're at a crossroads. Your choice - and your vote - is vital for ensuring that we take the road that leads to a better future.

Mother, daughter, grandmother, granddaughter - trying to do it all

In Dr. Mike Magee's presentation at the recent Center for Aging Services Technology (CAST) conference (of which Eric Dishman, a Principle Research Scientist at Intel, is Chairman) he talks about the coming aging of America as a challenge not just of people living longer, but of the family expanding from 3 generations to 5 or 6. The 3rd generation woman is rapidly becoming the “new” sandwich person – stuck between caregiving issues with her mother AND grandmother; her child AND grandchild.

Wendy, a program manager in our office, is a classic “new” sandwich member. She helps her mother provide care to her grandmother, who fell and broke her hip about 6 months ago and refuses to go into a supportive living community even though she requires around the clock care. Wendy’s mom has quit her own job to help care for grandma; hired caregivers round out the day.

Meanwhile, Wendy has 2 children, one of whom is married with a 3 year old son and another child on the way.

To say that Wendy is busy with family support issues is an understatement. Wendy says her two biggest issues being in the super-squished position are TIME and EMOTIONAL/PHYSICAL ENERGY. Here’s what Wendy has to say about her life today:

Your kids move-out (more or less); you are among the 40+ crowd and life looks GOOD!

Having gotten married at a young age and immediately starting a family this is the first time you don't have the major responsibility of someone else's life. You are cruising along, you take a new job you are excited to be able to - for the first time - throw yourself into a job/career without feeling guilty because you should be home when the kids get home from school or you sneak out of work to make that all-important game. It is essentially a new start, a new beginning and it looks exciting.

Hold it!

I receive a phone call from the "help I've fallen and can't get up" company that monitors my grandmother so she can remain at home independently.

Yup, she's fallen and broken a hip. The cycle begins for full-time in-home care. Because she can afford it, it makes perfect sense to her.

However she lacks the ability to understand the management of such a task. My mom, her daughter (who has never in her life worked a full time job or has ever been in a job where her responsibilities were managing people, medical care, and finances) is now faced with all of them.

Since I have experience in all, she calls me.

If only it were that easy.

Mom has two siblings. I can make suggestions and recommendations based on my experience and my mother understands, agrees and respects my knowledge.

Her siblings cannot get past the fact that I am no longer the snot-nosed little kid who wanted to play in the dirt with boys rather than play Barbie's with the other female cousins.

In their eyes I think I will remain 10 years old forever. I know nothing, and the battle begins.

Now we work at how creative my mother and I can become in her suggestions (which are really mine) and convince the other decision-makers of the right choices.

Then there are the calls: “The caregiver didn't show up - can you help take care of grandma?”

I want to help grandma. I want to help my mom. Sure I can help.

Hold it!

My son, who is a young father, has just gotten a new job. A really good job. They offer over-time on Saturdays!

"Sure would be a great way to get ahead, Mom," he tells me.

His wife already works Saturdays in trade for Mondays off to be able to spend more time with their 2 year-old son.

Here it comes....”Can you baby-sit?”

I want to; I love spending time with my grandson - I want to help my kids "get ahead." Sure I can help.

Hold it!

My daughter calls from college.

"Mom, I'd like to move home for 4 months and go to school near home until next fall. Can you help?"

She is the most independent young woman I know. She doesn't ask for help often. I want to help my daughter; she deserves my help as she has likely been put on the back burner for the last few months. Sure I can help.

Hold it!
Attempt to maintain a marriage through this? Have friends? Throw myself into my job? Nice idea.

I often feel as though there is not even close to enough of me to go around. My mom stops by to have me help complete some paperwork from the physician’s office. We walk into the kitchen where the light is better.

I look up at her – “Wow, Mom, when did you get old? You look really tired,” I think to myself.

It’s 9:15 p.m. and she is just on her way home after a full day of caring for grandma. I immediately think to myself, “I need to help more.”

On Saturday afternoon my son and his wife stop by to pick up their son. My daughter-in-law is 7 months pregnant. I look at them and think to myself, “They are amazing kids; they're doing so well.”

I look into their eyes, both of them, and wonder, “When did you grow up? You look really tired.”

I need to help more.

This is a glimpse of the sandwich generation. I could go on and on but there’s just not enough time...