Caregiving hits sandwich generation hard

Everyone I know is a member of the sandwich generation today. My friend, Melanie, spent the week at her father's bedside in the hospital, juggling her work, husband, friends and kids with her handy (and prohibited in the hospital) cell phone.

My friends Ken and Elaine cornered me at a dinner party Saturday night with questions about how to help his parents move out of their home into an assisted living community. And then how to keep his siblings from freaking out and throwing a fit when he achieves it.

It's not easy being a member of the generation whose parents are living longer than any before in history. My own aging mother, living happily and busily in a retirement community, takes the train at least twice a year to stay with her mother, who, at 98, is queen of her retirement community in northern Minnesota.

She called me during her last visit saying, "Grandma keeps falling and I don't know what to do. Can you talk to her and tell her to be a good girl and stop trying to get out of bed at night?"

My mother knows that it isn't helpful to talk down to older people - she taught me that when I was just a child.

But dealing with her own mother turns her into any other frustrated family member. She forgets to objectively look at what is causing my grandmother to fall, and to work on solutions. She reacts emotionally - as we all do when dealing with our family.

I'm just far enough away that I could talk through the situation with my mom and help her find some workable solutions. Turning my grandma's bed so that there was more room on the side she likes to use to get in and out means that she can fit her walker there (she couldn't before, leading to fall after fall). We talked about solutions like a smaller bed, half-rails for her to use to pull herself up and steady herself when she first gets up, maybe even a bed-side commode for night needs. There are logical ways to start addressing the problems of falling, at least in my grandma's case.

But at the moment, my mom was shaken up. She was upset, scared and frustrated. She acted like we all act when we feel helpless to solve the problems of our aging parents.

There is one thing we members of the sandwich generation are learning, though. Simply this: when we turn to other people for ideas, advice and support we can get through some of the toughest spots we face on this journey through life.

It's a Baby Boomer Theme - Caring for Aging Parents

We were at an end-of-summer garden party last weekend. The day was unexpectedly warm and sunny, and we arrived to the beautiful creek-side yard of our friends Lane and Maureen. Many of the people there were friends we had known for decades.

As we mingled and caught up with old friends, we shared what had occupied our time this past summer.

"We didn't go anywhere this summer. We were busy all summer selling my mom's house and helping her move into a small house just a mile away from our home," said Bridgett. "I go over to her house every day just to visit, and most evenings we'll either cook dinner or barbecue at her house so we can eat together. It's been a challenge, but it's rewarding seeing my mom so much happier, and closer to us so we can help more."

"We had to move my mom into a new care home this summer," said Linda. "Her Alzheimer's has been getting worse and worse, and then we were told we had to move her. It took all summer to find a place, get her settled in and hope for the best."

As we worked our way around the party, we noted that every one of us were dealing with similar problems: aging parents who needed our help, work and careers - or making the transition to retirement, which is also a challenge for many, and our own children.

We're not alone. 13 million baby boomers throughout the US - just like us - are all facing the need to care for their elderly parents. Some are worrying long distance, feeling the need to travel as often as possible to arrange care. Some move parents into their own homes, resulting in caregiving close at hand, but often increasing family tensions at the same time.

Health care and financial challenges (how will we pay for all the services we need) are increasingly common topics of dinner tables and garden parties.

For us and our friends, it was eye-opening to hear how many of us are experiencing a different life-style than we planned for this stage of our lives. How many of us are finding that time is our most valuable asset, just when we thought maybe life would slow down a bit, and we could enjoy it a little more.

We're just starting down the path of challenges, too. We'll need all the mutual support, all the resources and all the ingenuity we can dig up to support our own families - and each other - as we face coming caregiving crises.

In the meantime, we'll enjoy these last days of summer, and we'll value knowing that we're not alone in this drama. And maybe that will make it a little bit easier to keep moving on, searching for solutions that fit just right for our families.