Giving Gifts

I walk to work every day. It’s nothing righteous or even green, but it’s my time to get the blood flowing to my brain, think through the day’s projects and hopefully work off enough calories so that I can eat a real dinner. Besides, one advantage of being the owner of the company is the privilege of choosing the office location - just down the hill and across the bridge from our home. So my walk takes all of 15 minutes every morning. They are 15 minutes that I treasure, too. I count my many blessings, take deep breaths of clean, pure air, and plot new challenges for my team.

Yesterday, I was given a gift on my way to work. Totally out of the blue, a man ran up to me and handed me a card. It happened so quickly and so unexpectedly (not to mention the fact that I was in my own little world of thinking, planning and probably talking out loud) that I didn’t even get a good look at the man.

The card contained a hand-written note. In the note were some very nice comments made from someone who had, unbeknown to me, watched me walk to work every day for the past several weeks.

Weird, a little, but nonetheless, it was a nice gift.

I remember when I first started running for exercise. I started late in life – actually, the week before my 40th birthday. I was determined not to let myself age into a heavy, sedentary person, so I joined a running team and began preparing to run in the Hood-to-Coast, a local event that is very challenging and fun.

Those first runs were tortuously difficult. Within a mile or so, I was feeling ragged and exhausted. But then, out of nowhere, another runner would pass by me. If that person slowed down a little to smile and say, “You’re doing great,” or some other encouraging word, I found a new reserve of energy. It completely changed how I felt at that moment.

After my own little “aha” moment I determined to smile and say something positive to people I met every day. I realized that this is one of those rare and precious things: a gift, unexpected, from a stranger. And it can change the way the entire day proceeds.

I like to apply this concept in my work, too. As a boss, I sometimes have to remember that my own smile changes the work environment completely. A little joke, a small compliment – these are gifts I can give every single day.

I think of this, too, in terms of the people who provide direct care to seniors, either in a facility setting or in the home. Their work probably feels like my 6 mile run some days: exhausting, difficult and pretty unrewarding.

Taking just a minute to smile, say “Thanks” and make a comment: “You’ve got such a gentle touch,” for example, is an easy, free gift we can give that might just make a world of difference.

Sleeping Well at Night

I was touched by the entry written yesterday by a family member who had just moved his loved one into a care center.

He talked of the pain of leaving his wife, but the joy when he came to visit a few days later to see his wife happy - dancing, even.

His closing comment was the most poignant:

This good news has lifted a huge burden from me. I now sleep through the night for the first time in eight years.

This is a comment I've heard countless times over the years. Families agonize about finding care for a loved one. They feel deep angst about moving a mom, dad or spouse out of the family home. Of course there's a little guilt. Of course there's grieving what once was, and is now lost.

After it's all said and done, however, the dominant feeling is relief.

It's all about balance. What works for one family is not the same as what will work for another. In this era, we need to be open, accepting and supportive of the solution that each individual family chooses. Not everyone should move into a care community. Not everyone should stay in his or her own home.

The true beauty of living in the age we do is that we have the choice. It's no longer home or nursing home - many options exist in between.

Here's to finding what works for you, and what lets you sleep well at night.

Medicaid is NOT the solution

Today's promising headline read, "Solutions for elder-care issues." in the LoHud.com, the Journal News of the Lower Hudson's news site.

Among the solutions? Transfer all mom and dad's assets to your own bank account, so that Medicaid will pick up the cost of their care. Takes all the stress off the sandwich generation kids, and - hey, the government can pick up the tab!

Here's my response:

It's a solution for one individual family to transfer assets and make mom or dad eligible for Medicaid - but it's a societal nightmare. Imagine the implications if all 18.2 million individuals over 85 paid no portion of their own care, but left it all up to the government in the form of subsidies and Medicaid. No longer would the individual family benefit - we'd all be paying the cost through tax rates through the roof.

I believe it is time to look for more creative solutions that benefit not just the heirs but the greater society as well. Perhaps if we start by recognizing those who provide care in this country and honoring, training and valuing these individuals, more people will be willing to take on this work. We need honest discussions about best ways - and places - to provide care to individuals, whether they need just a little support or are fully dependent.

Being a tightly squeezed member of the sandwich generation myself, I know that this is not a battle for me alone. We're facing these issues with both sets of parents, at the same time we're having discussions among ourselves, our siblings and children about how we want to handle our own aging needs when they arise. While we don't have unlimited assets, we all have some ability to plan, to pay and to creatively address these challenges - not to leave the solutions to "the government."

As we boomers age, we may rediscover the commune - now for mutual caring purposes. We may find that we can afford the services we need (and want) best by joining together with others. We may find other creative options that work for many, and are affordable in cost.

We WILL need individuals from the younger generation who find personal meaning and societal value in providing care. We WILL need to invest in their training as well, if we want quality care for our parents today, and ourselves tomorrow.

For my part, I've dedicated my time and resources to developing training programs, accessible via the internet, to train not only the minds but also the hearts of the next generation of caregivers. It's a professional focus, but it's also very, very personal.

Join me for creative solutions to this challenge,

Sharon K. Brothers, MSW
aQuire Training Solutions
Sharon@aquiretraining.com